(Out of 4)
Directed by Marcus Nispel
Starring: Jessica Biel, Andrew Bynarski, R. Lee Ermey, Jonathan Tucker
Running Time: 93m
Most Interesting Preview: Return of the King gets my vote.
Reviewed by Jason Kolman
Chaka Says: “This is the scariest thing I’ve seen since that little dinosaur thing chased Will up the side of the mountain.”
I really don’t know what to say about “Texas Chainsaw Massacre.” I’m a HUGE horror movie fan, and suffice it to say, I’ve never ever seen the original. Don’t ask my why. I really don’t know. So, in a roundabout kind of way, I was very interesting in seeing this film, and didn’t go in with any real expectations. I knew three things. I wanted to have fun, I wanted to be scared, and I wanted to see Jessica Biel get gutted like a fish....Well, 2 out of 3 ain’t bad.
I was a little worried up front. Everyone knows of my horror story last time I went to the theater on a Friday night to see “Freddy vs. Jason.” However, props to my neighbors in Raleigh, they made this movie even more fun to watch. A horror movie is always better when everyone gasps at the right times and then lets out a roar of nervous laughter. I had a lot of fun just being in the theater.
Now, in my view, this is a real disturbing movie. Perhaps not on the level of the original (only based on what I have heard), but it is still creepy enough. A lot of hand-held Blair Witch style photography. There is a lot going on in the camera lens and sometimes it movies so fast it is dizzying. All for effect of course, the film doesn’t want you to breathe much. It starts fast and does not let up...Ok...now I am rambling...Take the pills, Jay!
OK, here goes. Again, I will try to summarize without giving too much plot info away. A group of five people are on their way to Dallas to see a Lynard Skynard concert when they pick up a hitchhiker, apparently sleepwalking on the side of the road. She informs them that “they’re all dead” before graciously wrapping up her scene. Yuck. So the five set off to look for a cop to help them out. In short order, they meet Sheriff Hoyt (Ermey) and Leatherface (Bynarski) and the killing starts. Let’s just say that the fam isn’t really happy about the way their boy, Thomas (Leatherface) is treated because of his skin disease. I really don’t want to go too much into it. This is a movie that simply must be experienced, rather than talked about.
Now, it isn’t high art. Not by any means. It is a classic, run of the mill horror film, but on steroids. The pace is absolutely relentless. There are multiple extended chases making up the bulk of the second and third acts of the film. Using the hand held camera and some incredible lighting, the film easily builds tension, and rather than building that tension and then releasing it all at once, it is released in jacked up doses, and just when you think it is over, it starts up again. I can’t say for sure, but I think I dug my nails into the chair at least once. And I honestly can not remember breathing. Which is cool. I needed to be scared for a change.
The film does a pretty good job of blending the classic horror film with the more popular 90’s slasher genre. Here, Leatherface is focused on more as a cold blooded killer than a cannibal, as I’ve heard was the case in the original. Cannibalism is not really inferred in this one at all. Fans of the 80’s slashers and the 90’s “Scream” generation should all be well catered to by this one. There is enough comic relief (really, just enough) towards the beginning so that you can relate to the characters. They’re nervous, they don’t know what do do, so they crack a few jokes to relieve the tension. Ermey’s first appearance on screen seemed to have been drawn from his days on “Full Metal Jacket.” (Ermey, while wrapping a body in plastic wrap: Every so often, I like to cop a feel.”) Has he no shame? Funny stuff. By the time we finally get to see Leatherface, just enough tension has been built up to make his debut a strong one. The combination of the sledgehammer and the door slamming makes for the first real jump moment of the movie.
I’m sorry if this review is a little mish mash. I really was taken aback by the nature of the film. I enjoyed it immensely, but again, not having seen the original, I didn’t know what to expect.
Now, Bynarski as Leatherface is very good. He has a kind of Kane Hodder look to him. He’s big, he has the chest heaving bit going down, but he moves a lot faster than Kane did as Jason. The last time I saw Bynarski, he was getting the shit kicked out of him by Shaggy in “Scooby Doo.” Here, he kicks ass and takes names. One creepy scene in particular, is when Leatherface turns around to face Erin (Biel) and is wearing her boyfriend’s face. That was off the hook! And for those curious enough, yes, Leather does unmask for a brief moment. Let’s just say, it isn’t pretty. Bynarski dives into the role, and you can tell he is having fun with it. Just in the way he moves, there is a carefree attitude. It must be a dream to play a horror villain. Are they really even villains anymore? I don’t know about you, but I love seeing the bad guys kill the idiot kids, though, to their credit, the kids in this film were a bit less stupid.
Ermey is great as always, injecting some humor into a twisted role as the perverted “sheriff.” He also dives right in. We already know he has no problem playing a psycho, but here, he turn up the volume about 110%. Tucker, as Morgan, is a fairly well developed character and his scene with Ermey in the back of the van is Intense. (Yeah! With a capital “I”) Morgan played it to perfection, hell, both of them did. And they payoff to the scene, the empty gun, is the kicker.
Onto Ms. Biel. I’ve been avoiding this...I’m not a fan. Probably never will be. I don’t like her, I don’t care for her much. I’ve never known a girl who tries so hard to prove that she is a slut...but hey....I’d be less than a man if I said she didn’t look DAMNED good in this film. Those jeans where the shit! And she really is in fine shape. I just don’t like her. My opinion, probably not yours. However, she was very good in this film, actually showing a little range. And the way she beats on Leather is a great, climactic scene that had the audience cheering and clapping.
Now, I have seen the original ending to TCM on the “Boogeymen” DVD. I preferred that ending to the one we are given here. It was scarier, and it went for broke. In the 2003 version, we get an ending that is a tad more predictable, and slightly more abrupt, however semi effective in it’s own right. R. Lee gets his in a big way, and Leatherface gets to do his spinning chainsaw bit, but something about it is not the same. I dunno exactly what. Doesn’t matter anyway.
One surprise. The gore factor. Not too much to speak of. There is a suicide that is nasty, and stabbing that gets real bloody, but on the whole, a lot of stuff is left to the imagination. In it's own way, that makes it a lot of fun. You can only imagine the sick, twisted stuff going on off screen while people are screaming. Nice touch. Oh, and if boogers count as gore, than this movie sure does have a lot! Lots and lots of boogers. Boogers abound, if I don't say.
All in all. I was “scared.” That’s cool I wanted to be. The movie was brutal. The direction by Nispel was tight. He has an eye for tension, if that is possible. His ability to light a scene is off the page. The soundtrack could have used a little work. The music was a tad drab, but who really cares. I didn’t go and see it for the music. This isn’t the film I’d take my girl to, if she wasn’t into this kinds of stuff. But we had fun, she clung to me, that’s all that matters. Oh, I should tell the truth. I didn’t really see this film. My girl kept covering my eyes every time Biel was on screen. She thinks I stare. So basically, I’m reviewing this film on the virtue of sound alone. No really! Hehe. It’s late, I’m being stupid. Good night folks!
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